A Lifetime Companion to the Laws of Jewish Family Life, Introduction/מדריך להלכות טהרת המשפחה·הקדמה

1The impetus for this book is simple. This is the type of book I would have wanted when I got married. There was no question about my keeping the laws of Jewish family life (taharat hamishpachah) – after all, I did my best to keep Shabbat and Kashrut, so why should these be any different? But unlike other areas of Jewish Law, this was one in which I had no prior experience or education. I needed to learn it from scratch, preferably with my husband to be. The problem was how to learn. The books available at the time had laundry lists of what to do and not do, but not placed in any framework that I could comprehend and thus retain. As for learning the halachot from the original sources, this was impossible within a four-month engagement while simultaneously attending medical school. Classes for brides and grooms of modern backgrounds did not exist. The classes that existed were, once again, listings of what to do and not to do, without sources and without much explanation. From lack of any alternative, I muddled through with the laundry lists.

2For a decade and a half after getting married, I dreamed of writing this book. Although better pre-marital classes are currently available in some areas such as New York, they are not accessible to everyone. Furthermore, most classes are designed only for newlyweds, while these are halachot that apply during many years of married life. It would be helpful to have something in writing one could turn back to for a refresher course. I wanted such a book, but was not qualified to write it myself, and could not find anyone with sufficient knowledge of the halachot who wished to write it with me.

3In 1997, Nishmat – the Jerusalem Center for Advanced Jewish Studies for Women – opened a program for studying these halachot on the intensive level that I had sought. The goal of Nishmat’s “Keren Ariel” program is to train women to be an address for other women who have questions in this area of halacha but are hesitant to ask them. In the course of study, I further realized why I wanted this kind of book. Many laws that seemed difficult to keep, once explained and seen in the context of their original sources, made so much more sense. Often women do not understand the basics of these halachot even when they are fully committed to keeping them. This lack of knowledge leads to problems of both inappropriate leniency and unnecessary stringency.

4After two years in the Keren Ariel program, I felt that I finally had the background to approach writing the book. Thanks to a post-graduate grant from Nishmat, this book has at last become a reality.

5Why yet another book? How is this book different? First, especially in the first section of the book, many of the original sources of the halachot are provided in Hebrew. For those who grew up studying this way, this should be a welcome feature. For those for whom dealing with original Hebrew sources is difficult, the sections quoted are paraphrased in the following section.

6Second, as this book is meant to be a lifetime companion, there are separate sections dealing with various stages of the life cycle. The laws of one’s wedding night are usually relevant only once, while details about the peri-menopause are not interesting to most young brides. Third, this book contains detailed descriptions of medical situations in which questions in the area of taharat hamishpachah frequently arise.

7The second section of the book is meant to be a quick practical review, as this is an area of halacha that frequently needs review. Months and sometimes years can go by with some of the laws being barely relevant, due to pregnancy and nursing, and thus subject to being forgotten. Alternatively, a woman may have a fairly regular cycle but as she gets older things change, leading to issues she never had to grapple with before. This section is also is a quick way to learn the laws if one does not have the time or inclination to study the sources provided in Part One.

8This book cannot and is not meant to take the place of rabbinical consultation. Just as no medical manual can take the place of individual consultation with a physician, this book is not meant to take the place of a rabbi. Individual questions should be addressed to a couple’s own rabbi, particularly as in many matters local practice is determinative of the halacha. However, if one does not understand the halachic issues involved, one often does not even know that a question can or should be asked.

9Another reason to consult one’s own rabbi is that some of the halachic opinions expressed here may not be those quoted in some other books – there are areas of disagreement in many areas of halacha. In addition, I do not claim to have listed all the details and sub-details of the halachot, which would be impossible even in a book of twice this size. Effort has been made, however, to widen the scope of debate in the footnotes, when possible.

10The opinions expressed in the book have the approval of the rabbis whom I consulted, Rabbis Reuven Aberman, Yehuda Henkin and Yaakov Warhaftig. Responsibility for any errors that may have crept into this book, as well as for deciding what was included and what was omitted, is, of course, mine alone.

11The focus of the book is on the Jewish laws of the physical relationship between the husband and wife. This is not meant in any way to negate the need for establishing and maintaining a healthy emotional relationship between the couple within the spirit of Judaism. Ideally, a couple will have personal guidance from a trusted advisor (e.g., rabbi, kallah teacher, parent) to help them on this path. If not, there are many books on this complementary topic. Preparation for Jewish family life should include addressing both issues.

12This book is not for everyone. It includes clinical but explicit language about the human reproductive system that may make some people uncomfortable. This is not due to a lack of concern for the demands of modesty, but to prevent the confusion that too much euphemism can cause. Furthermore the book includes discussion of sensitive topics that are often not dealt with in texts. I feel these issues need to be dealt with openly, so people who find themselves in these situations know they are not alone.

13For those people for whom this book is appropriate – I hope they enjoy the learning process of reading this book as much as I did the learning process of writing it.

14Writing a book on halacha is an awesome task, as any misstatements can have serious ramifications. It is thus fitting that I end this introduction with the following:

15Rabbi Nechuniah ben Hakanah used to pray a short prayer when entering and leaving the house of study. They asked him: What is the purpose of this prayer? He told them: When I enter I pray that no problems should be caused by me, and when I leave I give thanks for my portion.(Babylonian Talmud, Berachot 28b)