Halachah · Modern
A Lifetime Companion to the Laws of Jewish Family Life, Part Three; The Life Cycle, Chapter 2; Marriage/מדריך להלכות טהרת המשפחה·
א
1Setting the wedding date
ב
2The wedding should be set for a date when the bride does not expect to be a niddah. While the marriage ceremony would be valid even if she were, the bride being niddah leads to a stressful situation in which the newlyweds cannot be left alone.1) with his wife who is a niddah. Since the separation is temporary, we trust the couple to withstand temptation. This is not, however, the case when the couple has never yet had marital relations. It also necessitates slight changes in the ceremony to take into consideration the rules of harchakot. These are done discreetly, with only the minimum number of participants aware of the situation.
ג
3For a woman who has a very regular cycle, setting the date is relatively easy. There needs to be enough time after her previous menses that, after the cessation of bleeding, she can count seven blood-free days and then immerse in the mikveh. If her cycle is not predictable enough, or if there are unexpected changes, hormones can be used to prevent her being niddah at the time of her wedding.2 JME 2007; 6:11–14.
ד
4There are two basic hormonal approaches. One is to use one of the many formulations of hormonal contraceptives. This is best done for a few cycles prior to the wedding, so that if there is any breakthrough bleeding from the hormones it can be controlled before the wedding. Another approach is to give progesterone to hold off the bleeding for a few days. The common drugs used are norethisterone acetate (Primolut-Nor) or medroxyprogesterone acetate (Aragest, Provera). Progesterone helps maintain the uterine lining. Thus giving supplementary progesterone starting about 5 days prior to the anticipated date of the next period will most likely succeed in delaying the onset of menses. Use for longer than about 10 days raises the chances of breakthrough bleeding. All of these are prescription drugs that should be used only under the supervision of a physician familiar with their use and who understands the implications of hilchot niddah. Not only does the bride not want her menses at her wedding, but all bleeding, including spotting, must stop at least 7 days prior to the wedding.
ה
5With the best of planning however, problems sometimes arise. It should be remembered in these circumstances, that marriage is meant to be forever and a few difficult weeks in the beginning should not overshadow a lifetime of happiness.
ו
6Immersion prior to the wedding
זיָתֵר עַל זֶה: כָּל בַּת שֶׁתָּבְעוּהָ לְהִנָּשֵׂא וְרָצְתָה – שׁוֹהָה שִׁבְעַת יָמִים נְקִיִּים מֵאַחַר שֶׁרָצְתָה, וְאַחַר כָּךְ תִּהְיֶה מוּתֶּרֶת לְהִבָּעֵל, שֶׁמָּא מֵחִמּוּדָהּ לָאִישׁ רָאֲתָה דָּם טִיפָּה אַחַת וְלֹא הִרְגִּישָׁה בָּהּ. בֵּין שֶׁהָיְתָה הָאִשָּׁה גְדוֹלָה בֵּין שֶׁהָיְתָה קְטַנָה, צְרִיכָה לֵישֵב שִׁבְעָה נְקִיִּים מֵאַחַר שֶׁרָצְתָה, וְאַחַר כָּך תִּטְבּוֹל וְתִבָּעֵל. (רמב"ם; הלכות איסורי ביאה, יא: ט)
ח
8By rabbinical decree, a woman subsequent to a proposal of marriage has to consider herself a niddah even if she experienced no menstrual bleeding. Due to this halachic concern that minute bleeding might result from the anticipation (dam chimud), all women must count seven clean days and immerse in the mikveh prior to their wedding. If this is a first marriage, then she would have to do so anyway, as she remains a niddah until immersion even if years have passed since her last menses. However, even in the case of a second marriage where she had immersed in the mikveh after her last menses and had no further bleeding since, she still has to count seven days and immerse due to this decree.3 (New York: Ktav, 1989) pp. 122–125 for debate on a bride who has no uterus. Brides should try to go to the mikveh the day of the wedding or the previous evening. If circumstances dictate that this is difficult, she should consult with a rabbi as to the procedure to follow if immersing earlier.
ט
9The wedding ceremony4 (San Francisco: Harper & Row, 1980) orKaplan A, Made in Heaven (New York: Moznaim, 1983)
י
10The Jewish marriage procedure consists of two parts – eirusin or kidushin (betrothal5. Eirusin/kidushin makes a woman married to the extent that she would need a get (bill of divorce) to get out of this status, despite the fact that she is still not yet permitted to have relations with her husband. The term “engagement” is closer to “shiduchin,” which is declaring the intention to get married in the future. While breaking an engagement is unpleasant, it normally does not require a get.), and nisu’in (marriage). At one time these phases were separated by a number of months,6 but today they are performed at the same time.7, Even HaEzer (EH) 62והאידנא אין נוהגין ליארס אלא בשעת חופה.A number of reasons have been given for the change in custom:a. The fear of leaving the bride in a state of limbo if her groom did not appear at the appointed time, a situation that was a major concern in the uncertainty of times of persecution.b. The temptation for the couple to commence intimate relations prior to the kidushin due to their feeling of being already partially married.
יא
11By biblical law the kidushin requires three components:
יב
121. an act of betrothal
יג
132. the future husband stating, or it being otherwise clear, that this was for the purpose of eirusin
יד
143. at least two valid witnesses.
טו
15The Mishna enumerates three possible acts of betrothal: intercourse for the purpose of eirusin, by written contract, or the groom giving the bride an item of monetary value for the purpose of eirusin.
טז
16Due to the inherent immodesty involved, rabbinic law proscribed intercourse as an act of betrothal. The current method of betrothal is with an object of monetary value represented by the ring. To insure that its value is not subject to disagreement, it is generally a plain gold band without any precious stones.
יז
17Rabbinic law also added other requirements to eirusin:
יח
181. A blessing on the eirusin8 3:24. The word לנו (to us) was added to clarify the original, that only those married to us and not to others are permitted.
יט...אֲשֶׁר קִדְּשָׁנוּ בְּמִצְוֹתָיו וְצִוָּנוּ עַל הַעֲרָיוֹת וְאָסַר לָנוּ אֶת הָאֲרוּסוֹת וְהִתִּיר לָנוּ אֶת הַנְּשׂוּאוֹת לָנוּ עַל יְדֵי חוּפָּה וְקִדּוּשִׁין. בָּרוּך אַתָּה ד' מְקַדֵּשׁ עַמּוֹ יִשְׂרָאֵל עַל יְדֵי חוּפָּה וְקִדּוּשִׁין.
19“…who commanded us with His commandments and separated us from the forbidden relationships and forbid us betrothed women and permitted us those who are married to us by the appropriate ceremonies. Blessed art Thou who sanctifies Israel with chupah and kidushin.”
כ
20This blessing is generally preceded by a blessing over a cup of wine.
כא
212. That the ceremony be performed with a minyan to ensure that it is public knowledge.
כב
223. That a rabbi officiate at the ceremony.
כג
23However, the kidushin is valid even without these three conditions.
כד
24Marriage (nisu’in) consists of the act of the husband bringing the wife into his household. This is symbolized by “chupah.” There is disagreement among the Rishonim9 EH 55:1. exactly what chupah is. In the present ceremony we cover all the opinions – the bride comes out among a multitude of people; a canopy is placed over the heads of the bride and groom; at the end of the ceremony they go to a private place and eat together (yichud).
כה
25Another requirement of nisu’in is the ketubah or marriage contract. This document (translated in Appendix G, p. 213) spells out the obligation of a husband to his wife. This is a necessary component of their being allowed to live together. Should the document be lost, a new one must be written immediately. The ketubah is generally read at the ceremony between the kidushin and the nisu’in to provide a separation between them.
כו
26Nisu’in must also take place in the presence of a minyan and has its own six blessings known as birchot chatanim (“the blessings of grooms”). These blessings are also preceded by a blessing over a cup of wine, leading to a total of seven known as sheva brachot (seven blessings).10 these same blessings are said at the end of the grace after meals (birkat hamazon). In that case the blessing over the wine is as the seventh rather than the first blessing. These celebrations are known as sheva brachot as well. When it is a second marriage for both, the full sheva brachot are usually said only at the wedding ceremony and meal.
כז... שֶׁהַכֹּל בָּרָא לִכְבוֹדוֹ.
27“...Who has created everything for His honor.”
כח...יוֹצֵר הָאָדָם.
28“...Creator of mankind.”
כט...אֲשֶׁר יָצַר אֶת הָאָדָם בְּצַלְמוֹ בְּצֶלֶם דְּמוּת תַּבְנִיתוֹ וְהִתְקִין לוֹ מִמֶּנּוּ בִּנְיַן עֲדֵי עַד. בָּרוּך אַתָּה ד' יוֹצֵר הָאָדָם.
29“...Who created Man in His image, in the image of His form, and established from him an everlasting building… who creates Man.”
לשׂוֹשׂ תָּשִׂישׂ וְתָגֵל הָעֲקָרָה בְּקִבּוּץ בָּנֶיהָ לְתוֹכָהּ בְּשִׂמְחָה. בָּרוּך אַתָּה ד' מְשַׂמֵּחַ צִיוֹן בְּבָנֶיהָ.
30“May the barren woman rejoice and be merry in the ingathering of her children in happiness... who gladdens Zion with her children.”
לאשַׂמֵּחַ תִּשַׂמַּח רֵעִים הָאֲהוּבִים כְּשַׂמֵּחֲךָ יְצִירְךָ בְּגַן עֵדֶן מִקֶּדֶם. בָּרוּך אַתָּה ד' מְשַׂמֵּחַ חָתָן וְכַלָּה.
31“May the loving friends be as happy as you made your creations in Eden happy...who gladdens the groom and bride.”
לב...אֲשֶׁר בָּרָא שָׂשׂוֹן וְשִׂמְחָה חָתָן וְכַלָּה גִּילָה רִנָּה דִיצָה וְחֶדְוָה, אַהֲבָה וְאַחֲוָה שָׁלוֹם וְרֵעוּת. מְהֵרָה ד' אֱלֹקֵינוּ יִשָּׁמַע בְּעָרֵי יְהוּדָה וּבְחוּצוֹת יְרוּשָׁלָיִם קוֹל שָׂשׂוֹן וְקוֹל שִׂמְחָה קוֹל חָתָן וְקוֹל כַּלָּה קוֹל מִצְהֲלוֹת חֲתָנִים מֵחֻפָּתָם וּנְעָרִים מִמִּשְׁתֵּה נְגִינָתָם. בָּרוּך אַתָּה ד' מְשַׂמֵּחַ חָתָן עִם הַכַּלָּה.
32“...Who created joy and happiness, groom and bride, merriment, song, delight, love, brotherly love and friendship. Speedily may it be heard in the cities of Judah and the streets of Jerusalem, the sound of joy, the sound of happiness, the sound of a groom, the sound of a bride, the sound of grooms from their weddings and young men from their celebrations... who gladdens the groom with the bride.”
לג
33Many customs have developed concerning weddings. The couple should consult with the rabbi to discuss which ones will be followed.
לד
34Changes in the ceremony if the bride is niddah
לה
35If the bride is niddah, there are minor modifications to the ceremony to accommodate the harchakot of a niddah. They are done discreetly with as few people as possible aware that anything is amiss.
לו
361. Putting the ring on her finger – As she is not yet his wife prior to receiving the ring, he can put the ring on her finger trying not to touch her.
לז
372. Drinking from the wine – In most American weddings the cup is given to the mother or mother-in-law to pass to the bride at all weddings, and thus one is not aware of when the bride is a niddah.
לח
383. Yichud – Although a husband and wife can be alone together when the wife is a niddah, this applies only after the first episode of intercourse. Thus, if she is niddah at the wedding, they go off with singing and dancing toward the yichud room but the witnesses assure that they are not left alone.
לט
394. After the wedding, arrangements need to be made that the husband and wife are not alone together. The arrangements should be discussed with a rabbi.
מ
40Hymenal bleeding
מאהַכּוֹנֵס אֶת הַבְּתוּלָה, בּוֹעֵל בְּעִילַת מִצְוָה וְגוֹמֵר בִּיאָתוֹ וּפוֹרֵשׁ מִיָּד... וּצְרִיכָה שֶׁתִּפְסוֹק בְּטָהֳרָה וְתִבְדּוֹק כָּל שִׁבְעָה, וְלֹא תַּתְחִיל לִמְנוֹת עַד יוֹם חֲמִישִׁי לְשִׁימּוּשָׁהּ. וְנוֹהֵג עִמָּהּ כְּכָל דִּינֵי נִּדָּה לְעִנְיַן הַרְחָקָה. (שולחן ערוך; יורה דעה, קצג: א)