A Lifetime Companion to the Laws of Jewish Family Life, Part One; The Study Guide, Chapter 6; Couple's Behavior While the Wife is Niddah/מדריך להלכות טהרת המשפחה·חלק א·פרק ו

1Prohibited Activities

4Further distancing (harchakot)

7Husbands should realize that many women are embarrassed by what feels like a public declaration of the fact that they have their period. The seriousness of embarrassing a person needs to be balanced against the seriousness of hilchot niddah, and the couple should strive together to work out ways the harchakot can be observed discreetly.

9Since a woman is a niddah until she immerses in the mikveh, these harchakot apply at all times until she immerses, even if she has ceased menstruating. They also apply to any situation that gave her niddah status, be it from biblical law or rabbinic decree. In some situations, certain activities are permitted to the husband but not to the wife, and vice versa. This comes from the rabbis’ understanding of the differences between the sexes.

10These prohibitions can be grouped into a number of categories:

11Avoidance of all touching

14There are safeguards to prevent any possibility of touching. Thus, passing things from hand to hand is forbidden. The gloss of the Rema extends this to throwing objects to each other as well. The couple should not sit so close together that it is inevitable that they will touch. Based on the gloss of the Rema to Yoreh Deah 195:5, Ashkenazic custom further proscribes sitting on the same seat if it is a moving seat (such as a swing), or if the weight of one person will be felt by the other (such as a soft couch). The couple can sit on the same seat if an object or person is placed in between them.

15Eating together

16The Shulchan Aruch states:

20As a couple cannot, in unlimited fashion, share a table, all the more so they may not eat off the same plate – a situation that is common, for instance, at a smorgasbord. A corollary of this principle of not eating from the same plate is that the husband cannot eat food his wife has left over.

23This applies not only to leftover food, but also to leftover drink. In the case of drink, the husband can have the remainder of his wife’s beverage under any one of the following conditions:

241. Someone else has drunk from the cup in between.

252. The liquid was transferred from cup to cup (even if then put back in the original cup).

263. He doesn’t know that she has drunk from this cup (and she does not have to go out of her way to tell him).

274. She is no longer in the vicinity.

28The wife can drink after her husband at any time without additional conditions.

29Sharing a bed

31As there are obvious romantic associations to the bedroom, the Shulchan Aruch states that a husband should not sit on his wife’s bed when she is a niddah even if she is not present. There is a debate among authorities as to actual practice. The Shach quotes the Bach who makes a distinction between sitting and lying down. According to him, the husband may not lie on his wife’s bed at any time when she is niddah. However, to sit there for a short period such as while getting dressed is permitted. The Taz forbids any form of sitting or lying by the husband. The wife may sit on her husband’s bed if he is in the room but she may not lie down. If he is absent, she may sit or lie on his bed. A couple should consult with their rabbi as to how to conduct themselves.

34The couple may not sleep on the same bed even if they are fully clothed, covered with different blankets and not touching. For this reason most couples have two different beds which can be brought together when relations are permitted and separated when they are not. Other arrangements such as a king size bed and a trundle, or one bed and a sleep couch can be used if the couple wishes.

35Dress

38The husband should not gaze at the parts of his wife’s body that are generally covered. Parts normally uncovered such as her face are not forbidden, even if he enjoys looking at them.

42The wife should not go out of her way to be enticing while a niddah. However, as the halacha certainly does not want the couple to be turned off to each other, she can continue to dress to be attractive.

43Signs of affection

45a. pouring a drink

47A niddah should not pour a drink for her husband in his presence and place it in front of him, unless she signals that things are different, e.g., using her left hand or putting the cup on a chair rather then the table.

49The husband should also not pour specifically for his wife, nor directly pass her a cup of wine. Thus, after making kiddush he may fill a number of cups and pass them around the table, and his wife may take any cup when the tray gets to her. Alternatively, he can place the kiddush cup on the table and she can pick it up.

50b. making a bed

52She should not make his bed in his presence. This does not apply to the chore of putting on the sheet or pillow case, but to the more affectionate, careful arrangement of the bed such as “turn down service.” Not in his presence, this too is permitted.

53c. drawing a bath

55She should not pour water for him to wash his hands, face and feet even if she does not directly touch him and even if it is not warm water. The modern example would be preparing a bath.

56Frivolous behavior

58In addition to those things clearly spelled out, any other actions that are liable to lead to intimacy should be avoided during this time period. Frivolous talk or behavior is frowned upon. This does not preclude being friendly – something husbands should seriously consider, as women often feel “unloved” at this point, especially because of the constant reminder of their niddah status engendered by harchakot. Thoughtful gestures – sending letters or cards, small gifts, flowers for Shabbat – can help counterbalance this negative message.

59When one of the couple is ill